Earth School Lesson #3: It’s ok to NOT KNOW
This brings us to 2020, the year everyone thought would bring clarity and change (in a beautiful, futuristic and hopeful manner). Well, she brought clarity (in an abrupt and confrontational way) and she brought change (OH, man, did she bring change).
I stopped taking the pill in September of 2019. I felt great, like the real me was finally rescued from the highest room in the tallest tower guarded by a fire breathing dragon. I learned the magic of the female cyclical rhythm and the beauty stored in the yin/feminine energies. I found my true passions in life, the work that didn’t feel like work. I saw the world in a whole new light, Earth School. I had more energy, saw the beauty in more things and overall upgraded my daily routine. But, I also started losing my hair, I struggled with regulating my period again, managing newly developed “menstrual symptoms” and moods I’d never known I was capable of swinging. Then the waves started to crash.
I would be going about my normal day when, seemingly out of nowhere, roughly 1.5 hours after breakfast, I would get this wave of symptoms that washed over my entire body. I felt tired, as if I was given 12 Benadryl, my eye lids could barely stay open. My stomach “hurt” in a sense, the way that isn’t direct pain but more of a deep aching and discomfort that makes you wish you left hot water bottles strategically placed on all the couches and beds. I felt nauseous, but not so much like I was going to actually hurl, more like I had pennies in my mouth and a light headedness that almost lifted me out of my body completely so she could rest with no interruptions.
When this happened more than a few times, my mother helped me see that we had to test my hormone levels and find what we could discover. As Universe would have it, I happened to befriend a genius functional nutritionist just a few months back and we were on a call one day when I had a wave. She set the plans in motion to order a DUTCH test (Dried Urine Test for Comprehensive Hormones). Basically, it’s a not so cheap kit of papers they send in the mail (that insurance doesn’t cover, don’t get me started on insurance) that you pee on at strategically timed intervals to check your hormone levels. Dry ‘um out, box ‘um up and ship ‘um out to the smarty pants lab people. Several weeks later they email you the results filled with diagrams, charts and little dials that look like speedometers all telling you that your hormones are all over the place. To say I needed a translator was an understatement. Cue Diane, my newest genius nutritionist friend (she does a lot more but we don’t have time for that, she’s practically a super power).
With her guidance and brilliant investigative work, we came to understand that my body has been struggling for quite some time now, something I think I knew deep down but I ignored and avoided the signs along the way. Because we weren’t taught the language of our bodies so we often miss the whispers and are forced to hear the screams.
The Hormonal Birth Control Pill shuts down the HPO axis, that’s the communication pathway between my brain and my ovaries. When this part of the endocrine system is shut down, we are foolish to believe it has no effect on the other systems of the body, news flash, if it’s connected it’s effected. And EVERYTHING in the body is connected. So, with a messy endocrine system for 10 years plus other factors of diet, exercise, lifestyle and stress management (and a parasite living in a dysbiotic gut aka some annoying tummy issues) the results were broken down into a hierarchy of needs. Starting from the bottom, I have a gut that’s housing unwanted guests and leading to improperly digested foods and nutrient absorption (which controls my immune system and other overall health factors). I have extremely low cortisol levels at all times of day (cortisol gives you the energy boosts to get up in the morning and power through the day then wind down at night). I have low estrogen (more specifically estradiol) which relates to a whole slew of things but can be seen in very light and short periods. I have adrenal glands that have been working hard at a time of their life when they are supposed to be on a break. I have the makings of pre-diabetes because all this craziness has turned on some insulin resistance (yeah, I was shocked, I thought diabetes was only for “overweight” people or those who strictly follow the Regina George all carb diet). Lastly, and most importantly, my beautiful, wonderful liver has been working overtime, overcompensating for the complete shit show that is my internal operating system. She is tired and she has not been paid properly for her work. She’s been doing the jobs of 7 men and being paid the salary of 1 woman (she knows the struggle is real for gender equality in the workplace).
What does all of this mean? Most days, I DON’T KNOW. And that can be the hardest part. I don’t know what my body needs, I don’t know what I’m doing that’s helping or hurting. I’m like a first-year French student sent to study abroad in Paris, I want to speak the language so badly but I feel so lost and isolated. The more I try, the more I keep getting fish when I ordered a drink. I don’t know what my body needs and that’s frustrating.
What I do know is that it’s ok for me to not know sometimes. I work each day to know a little more and I surround myself with the best team I can curate to help me know what I need and that’s ok too. I know that my body is working every day to stay healthy and alive and correct the mess I put us in. I know that with a little help from me, she is going to right this ship. I know that positivity and gratitude are fuel to the healing fire and self-blame and anger are buckets of ice water. I know that I have not been diagnosed with a disease but I also know that I was headed on the fast track to PCOS and/or Diabetes. I know that the Pill played a huge role in this knotted necklace jewelry box of health but I also know that I am equally to blame, I cannot simply demonize a medication and get off scot-free.
So here I am, on my journey in Earth School. I was given the gift of this strange disharmony of issues to teach me some beautiful, valuable lessons. I’m grateful for the opportunity and ready to share my findings with the world. I will be posting every day if I can (we all do the best we can with what we have, so some days may slip away). I will share my lessons from my personal Earth Classes and I hope you can find them useful in your school.
We are not meant to do this alone. We are all here to learn and grow. Let’s make it count, let’s make it better. I know that I don’t have all the answers, I never will. But I do know that I have a lot of answers, some may just be the ones you’re looking for. I hope you share your answers with me too because Cosmos knows I could use all the help I can get.
My Story : part 1